LOCAL COLOUR

By P. G. Wodehouse

Punch, November 2, 1904

[At the banquet given by the “Pilgrims” to the officers of the American Squadron the waiters ware dressed as sailors, and the tables were shaped like battleships.]

It was a happy thought of the Bachelors’ Club to give a dinner in honour of Colonel YOUNGHUSBAND’S return from Tibet, and the manner in which the “effects” were carried out deserves no little commendation. Mr. GILLETTE, superbly made-up as the Dalai Lama, took the chair, the rest of the members, appropriately in such a temple of celibacy as the Bachelors’, representing monks. From time to time showers of stage snow (kindly lent by The Hand of Blood No. 1 Travelling Company) fell from above upon the table, and it was pleasant to see the tactful way in which the gallant Colonel dodged such particles as remained in his soup. The liveliness of the proceedings was further enhanced by the constant firing of jongs by trained marksmen stationed in the doorway. The club waiters, in the character of snow leopards and other wild beasts such as infest the desolate regions of the Chumbi Pass, played their part admirably. Indeed, their practice of springing with a howl on to the shoulders of the diners as a prelude to offering them the choice between claret and hock, may perhaps be termed almost too realistic.

________

The banquet held in the Pavilion at Lord’s by the M.C.C. to commemorate the retention of the ashes was a complete success. The tables were shaped like bats. Instead of chairs, the guests sat on the splice. All the waiters, made up as umpires, were required to have a well-marked crease in their trousers. Much interest was aroused by the novel manner of “helping” inaugurated on this occasion. Directly the brief grace “Play!” had been pronounced by the Rev. F. H. GILLINGHAM, plates full of deliciously appetising comestibles began to fly across the room, urged by the trained hands of first-class fast bowlers. The fielding on the whole was excellent, except that there were no slips between the cup and the lip, and Mr. BOSANQUET should have got both hands to the savoury.

________

At the complimentary dinner given by the Home Office to Mr. ADOLF BECK only waiters whose names were JOHN SMITH were engaged, and Mr. W. CLARKSON made them all exactly like each other and Mr. BECK—with the exception of a few unimportant details, such as the shape of the nose, the colour of the eyes and hair, the size of the head, and the position of the gooseberry marks.

 

~~~ The End ~~~