THE FIREMAN’S STORY
Vanity Fair (UK) (September 29, 1904)
[A recruit for the London Fire Brigade was rejected by Captain Hamilton, with the remark, “You are too stout, my man.”]
I should like to be a hero,
I should like to fight the flames,
I could long to join the firemen
In their philanthropic games,
I should love to wear a helmet,
In the place of my top-hat—
But I’m much too fat.
I can see myself, while thousands
Cheered my efforts with a will,
Saving damsels from destruction
On a fourth floor window-sill.
Any blaze, howe’er terrific,
I could quench beyond a doubt—
But I’m much too stout.
For the Fire Brigade wants workers
Who are lean, and move with grace:
Any prodigy of Peckham
They’d consider out of place.
My heart is of the stoutest,
But I fear I shall not do—
For I’m stout, too.