Cosmopolitan, November 1920
THE Hermitage (unrivaled scenery, superb cuisine, Daniel Brewster, proprietor) is a picturesque summer hotel in the green heart of the mountains, built by Archie Moffam’s father-in-law shortly after he assumed control of the Cosmopolis. Mr. Brewster himself seldom went there; and Archie and Lucille, breakfasting in the airy dining-room one morning in August, had consequently to be content with the two out of the three advertised attractions of the place. Through the window at their side quite a slab of unrivaled scenery was visible; some of the superb cuisine was already on the table, and the fact that the eye searched in vain for Daniel Brewster, proprietor, filled Archie, at any rate, with no sense of aching loss. In Archie’s opinion, practically all a place needed to make it an earthly paradise was for Mr. Daniel Brewster to be about forty-seven miles away from it.
“It’s going to be another perfectly topping day,” he observed, eying the shimmering landscape, from which the morning mists were swiftly shredding away like faint puffs of smoke; “just the day you ought to have been here.”
“Yes; it’s too bad I’ve got to go. New York will be like an oven.”
“Put it off.”
“I can’t, I’m afraid. I’ve a fitting.”
Archie argued no further. He was a married man of old enough standing to know the importance of fittings.
“Besides,” said Lucille, “I want to see father.” Archie repressed an exclamation of astonishment. “I’ll be back to-morrow evening. You will be perfectly happy.”
“Queen of my soul, you know I can’t be happy with you away. You know——”
“Yes?” murmured Lucille appreciatively. She never tired of hearing Archie say this sort of thing.
Archie’s voice had trailed off. He was looking across the room.
“By Jove!” he exclaimed. “What an awfully pretty woman!”
“Over there. Just coming in. I say—what wonderful eyes! I don’t think I ever saw such eyes. Did you notice her eyes? Sort of flashing! Awfully pretty woman!”
Warm though the morning was, a suspicion of chill descended upon the breakfast-table. A certain coldness seemed to come into Lucille’s face.
“Do you think so?”
“Wonderful figure, too!”
“Well, what I mean to say, fair to medium,” said Archie, recovering a certain amount of that intelligence which raises man above the level of the beasts of the field. “Not the sort of type I admire myself, of course.”
“You know her, don’t you?”
“Absolutely not, and far from it,” said Archie hastily. “Never met her in my life.”
“You’ve seen her on the stage. Her name’s Vera Silverton. We saw her in——”
“Of course, yes. So we did. I say—I wonder what she’s doing here? She ought to be in New York, rehearsing. I remember meeting What’s his name—you know—chappie who writes plays and what-not—George Benham—I remember meeting George Benham, and he told me she was rehearsing in a piece of his called—I forget the name, but I know it was called something or other. Well, why isn’t she?”
“She probably lost her temper and broke her contract and came away. She’s always doing that sort of thing. She’s known for it. She must be a horrid woman.”
“I don’t want to talk about her. She used to be married to some one, and she divorced him. And then she was married to some one else, and he divorced her. And I’m certain her hair wasn’t that color two years ago, and I don’t think a woman ought to make up like that, and her dress is all wrong for the country, and those pearls can’t be genuine, and I hate the way she rolls her eyes about, and pink doesn’t suit her a bit. I think she’s an awful woman, and I wish you wouldn’t keep on talking about her.”
“Right-o!” said Archie dutifully.
They finished breakfast, and Lucille went up to pack her bag. Archie strolled out on the terrace outside the hotel, where he smoked, communed with nature, and thought of Lucille. He always thought of Lucille when he was alone, especially when he chanced to find himself in poetic surroundings. The longer he was married to her, the more did the sacred institution seem to him a good egg. Mr. Brewster might regard their marriage as one of the world’s most unfortunate incidents, but, to Archie, it was, and always had been, a bit of all right. The more he thought of it, the more did he marvel that a girl like Lucille should have been content to link her lot with that of a Class C specimen like himself. His meditations were, in fact, precisely what a happily married man’s meditations ought to be.
He was roused from them by a species of exclamation or cry almost at his elbow, and turned to find that the spectacular Miss Silverton was standing beside him. Her dubious hair gleamed in the sunlight, and one of the criticized eyes was screwed up. The other gazed at Archie with an expression of appeal.
“There’s something in my eye,” she said.
“I wonder if you would mind? It would be so kind of you.”
Archie would have preferred to remove himself, but no man worthy of the name can decline to come to the rescue of womanhood in distress. To twist the lady’s upper lid back and peer into it and jab at it with the corner of his handkerchief was the only course open to him. His conduct may be classed as not merely blameless but definitely praiseworthy. King Arthur’s knights used to do this sort of thing all the time, and look what people think of them! Lucille, therefore, coming out of the hotel just as the operation was concluded, ought not to have felt the annoyance she did. But, of course, there is a certain superficial intimacy about the attitude of a man who is taking a fly out of a woman’s eye which may excusably jar upon the sensibilities of his wife. It is an attitude which suggests a sort of rapprochement or camaraderie or, as Archie would have put it, what-not.
“Thanks so much!” said Miss Silverton.
“Oh, no; rather not,” said Archie.
“Such a nuisance getting things in your eye!”
“I’m always doing it.”
“But I don’t often find anyone as clever as you to help me.”
Lucille felt called upon to break in on this feast of reason and flow of soul.
“Archie,” she said, “if you go and get your clubs now, I shall have time to walk round with you before my train goes.”
“Oh—ah!” said Archie, perceiving her for the first time. “Oh—ah—yes; right-o—yes, yes, yes!”
On the way to the first tee, it seemed to Archie that Lucille was distrait and abstracted in her manner, and it occurred to him, not for the first time in his life, what a poor support a clear conscience is in moments of crisis. Dash it all, he didn’t see what else he could have done. Couldn’t leave the poor female staggering about the place with squads of flies wedged in her eyeball. Nevertheless——
“Rotten thing, getting a fly in your eye,” he hazarded, at length. “Dashed awkward, I mean.”
“Well, it’s a very good way of dispensing with an introduction.”
“Oh, I say! You don’t mean you think——”
“She’s a horrid woman.”
“Absolutely! Can’t think what people see in her.”
“Well, you seemed to enjoy fussing over her.”
“No, no! Nothing of the kind! She inspired me with absolute what-d’-you-call-it——”
“You were beaming all over your face.”
“I wasn’t. I was just screwing up my face because the sun was in my eye.”
“All sorts of things seem to be in people’s eyes this morning.”
Archie was saddened. That this sort of misunderstanding should have occurred on such a topping day and at a moment when they were to be torn asunder for about thirty-six hours made him feel—well, it gave him the pip. He felt aggrieved. Lucille, he considered, ought to have known that he was immune as regarded females with flashing eyes and experimentally colored hair. Why, dash it, he could have extracted flies from the eyes of Cleopatra with one hand and Helen of Troy with the other simultaneously, without giving them a second thought. It was in depressed mood that he played a listless nine holes; nor had life brightened for him when he came back to the hotel two hours later, after seeing Lucille off in the train to New York. Never till now had they had anything remotely resembling a quarrel. Life, Archie felt, was a bit of a washout. He was disturbed and jumpy, and the sight of Miss Silverton, talking to somebody on a settee in the corner of the hotel lobby, sent him shooting off at right angles and brought him up with a bump against the desk behind which the room clerk sat.
The room clerk, always of a chatty disposition, was saying something to him, but Archie did not listen. He nodded mechanically. It was something about his room. He caught the word “satisfactory.”
“Oh, rather—quite!” said Archie.
A fussy devil, the room clerk! He knew perfectly well that Archie found his room satisfactory. These chappies gassed on like this so as to try to make you feel that the management took a personal interest in you. It was part of their job. Archie beamed absently and went in to lunch. Lucille’s empty seat stared at him mournfully, increasing his sense of desolation.
He was half-way through his lunch when the chair opposite ceased to be vacant. Archie, transferring his gaze from the scenery outside the window, perceived that his friend, George Benham, the playwright, had materialized from nowhere and was now in his midst.
“Hullo!” he said.
George Benham was a grave young man whose tortoise-shell-rimmed spectacles gave him the look of a mournful owl. He seemed to have something on his mind besides the artistically straggling mop of black hair which swept down over his brow. He sighed wearily, and ordered fish pie.
“I thought I saw you come through the lobby just now,” he said.
“Oh, was that you on the settee, talking to Miss Silverton?”
“She was talking to me,” said the playwright moodily.
“What are you doing here?” asked Archie. “I thought you were in New York, watching the rehearsals of your jolly old drama.”
“The rehearsals are hung up. And it looks as though there wasn’t going to be any drama. Good Lord!” cried George Benham, with honest warmth. “With opportunities opening out before one on every side—with life extending prizes to one with both hands—when you see stevedores making fifty dollars a week, why does a man deliberately choose a job like writing plays? Job was the only man that ever lived who was really qualified to write a play, and he would have found it pretty tough going if his leading woman had been anyone like Vera Silverton.”
Archie—and it was this fact, no doubt, which accounted for his possession of such a large and varied circle of friends—was always able to shelve his own troubles in order to listen to other people’s hard-luck stories.
“Tell me all, laddie,” he said. “Release the film. Has she walked out on you?”
“Left us flat! How did you hear about it? Oh, she told you, of course.”
Archie hastened to try to dispel the idea that he was on any such terms of intimacy with Miss Silverton.
“No, no! My wife said she thought it must be something of that nature or order when we saw her come in to breakfast. Why did she administer the raspberry, old friend?”
Mr. Benham helped himself to fish pie and spoke dully through the steam.
“Well, what happened was this. Knowing her as intimately as you do——”
“I don’t know her!”
“Well, anyway, it was like this: As you know, she has a dog——”
“I didn’t know she had a dog,” protested Archie.
“Well, she has a dog—a beastly, great, whacking brute of a bulldog. And she brings it to rehearsal.” Mr. Benham’s eyes filled with tears as, in his emotion, he swallowed a mouthful of fish pie some eighty-three degrees Fahrenheit hotter than it looked. In the intermission caused by this disaster, his agile mind skipped a few chapters of the story, and, when he was able to speak again, he said: “So then there was a lot of trouble. Everything broke loose!”
“Why?” Archie was puzzled. “Did the management object to her bringing the dog to rehearsal?”
“A lot of good that would have done! She does what she likes in the theater.”
“Then why was there trouble?”
“You weren’t listening,” said Mr. Benham reproachfully. “I told you. This dog came sniffling up to where I was sitting—it was quite dark in the body of the theater, you know—and I got up to say something about something that was happening on the stage, and somehow I must have given it a push with my foot.”
“I see,” said Archie. “You kicked her dog.”
“Pushed it—accidentally—with my foot.”
“I understand. And when you brought off this kick——”
“Push,” said Mr. Benham austerely.
“This kick or push. When you administered this kick or push——”
“It was more a sort of light shove.”
“Well, when you did whatever you did, the trouble started?”
“She talked for a while”—Mr. Benham gave a slight shiver—“and then walked out, taking her dog with her. You see, this wasn’t the first time it had happened.”
“Good Lord! Do you spend your whole time doing that sort of thing?”
“It wasn’t me the first time. It was the stage-manager. He didn’t know whose dog it was, and it came waddling onto the stage, and he gave it a sort of pat, a kind of flick——”
“Not a slosh,” corrected Mr. Benham firmly; “you might call it a tap—with the prompt-script. Well, we had a lot of difficulty smoothing her over that time. Still, we managed to do it, but she said that if anything of the sort occurred again, she would chuck up her part.”
“She must be fond of the dog,” said Archie, for the first time feeling a touch of good will and sympathy toward the lady.
“She’s crazy about it. That’s what made it so awkward when I happened—quite inadvertently—to give it this sort of accidental shove. Well, we spent the rest of the day trying to get her on the ’phone, and finally we heard that she had come here. So I took the next train and tried to persuade her to come back. She wouldn’t listen. And that’s how matters stand.”
“Pretty rotten!” said Archie, sympathetically.
“You can bet it’s pretty rotten—for me. There’s nobody else who can play the part. Like a chump, I wrote the thing specially for her. It means the play won’t be produced at all if she doesn’t do it. So you’re my last hope.”
Archie, who was lighting a cigarette, nearly swallowed it.
“I thought you might persuade her. Point out to her what a lot hangs on her coming back. Jolly her along. You know the sort of thing!”
“But, my dear old friend, I tell you I don’t know her!”
Mr. Benham’s eyes opened behind their zareba of glass.
“Well, she knows you. When you came through the lobby just now, she said that you were the only real human being she had ever met.”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I did take a fly out of her eye. But——”
“You did? Well then, the whole thing’s simple. All you have to do is to ask her how her eye is, and tell her she has the most beautiful eyes you ever saw, and coo a bit.”
“But my dear old son!” The frightful program which his friend had mapped out stunned Archie. “I simply can’t! Anything to oblige and all that sort of thing, but, when it comes to cooing, distinctly napoo!”
“Nonsense! It isn’t hard to coo.”
“You don’t understand, laddie. You’re not a married man. I mean to say, whatever you say for or against marriage—personally I’m all for it and consider it a ripe egg—the fact remains that it practically makes a chappie a spent force as a cooer. I don’t want to dish you in any way, old bean, but I must firmly and resolutely decline to coo.”
Mr. Benham rose and looked at his watch.
“I’ll have to be moving,” he said. “I’ve got to get back to New York and report. I’ll tell them that I haven’t been able to do anything myself, but that I’ve left the matter in good hands. I know you will do your best.”
“Think,” said Mr. Benham solemnly, “of all that depends on it! The other actors! The small-part people thrown out of a job! Myself—but, no—perhaps you had better touch very slightly or not all on my connection with the thing. Well, you know how to handle it. I feel I can leave it to you. Pitch it strong! Good-by, my dear old man, and a thousand thanks. I’ll do the same for you another time.” He moved toward the door, leaving Archie transfixed. Half-way there, he turned and came back. “Oh, by the way,” he said, “my lunch. Have it put on your check, will you? I haven’t time to stay and settle. Good-by! Good-by!”
Some men would have dismissed the unfortunate affairs of Mr. George Benham from their mind as having nothing to do with themselves, but Archie had never been made of this stern stuff. The fact that Mr. Benham, apart from being an agreeable companion with whom he had lunched occasionally in New York, had no claims upon him affected him little. He hated to see his fellow man in trouble. On the other hand, what could he do? To seek Miss Silverton out and plead with her—even if he did it without cooing—would undoubtedly establish an intimacy between them which, instinct told him, might tinge her manner after Lucille’s return with just that suggestion of auld lang syne which makes things so awkward.
His whole being shrank from extending to Miss Silverton that inch which the female artistic temperament is so apt to turn into an ell; and when, just as he was about to go in to dinner, he met her in the lobby and she smiled brightly at him and informed him that her eye was now completely recovered, he shied away like a startled mustang of the prairie, and, abandoning his intention of worrying the table d’hôte in the same room with the amiable creature, tottered off to the smoking-room, where he did the best he could with sandwiches and coffee.
Having got through the time somehow till eleven o’clock, he went up to bed.
The room to which he and Lucille had been assigned by the management was on the second floor, pleasantly sunny by day, and at night filled with cool and heartening fragrance of the pines. Hitherto, Archie had always enjoyed taking a final smoke on the balcony overlooking the woods, but to-night such was his mental stress that he prepared to go to bed directly he had closed the door. He turned to the closet to get his pajamas.
His first thought, when, even after a second scrutiny, no pajamas were visible, was that this was merely another of those things which happen on days when life goes wrong. He raked the closet for a third time with an annoyed eye. From every hook hung various garments of Lucille’s, but no pajamas. He was breathing a soft malediction, preparatory to embarking on a point-to-point hunt for his missing property, when something in the closet caught his eyes and held him for a moment puzzled.
He could have sworn that Lucille did not possess a mauve negligée. Why, she had told him a dozen times that mauve was a color which she did not like. He frowned perplexedly, and, as he did so, from near the window came a soft cough.
Archie spun round and subjected the room to as close a scrutiny as that which he had bestowed upon the closet. Nothing was visible. The window opening onto the balcony gaped wide. The balcony was manifestly empty.
This time there was no possibility of error. The cough had come from the immediate neighborhood of the window.
Archie was conscious of a pringly sensation about the roots of his closely cropped back hair as he moved cautiously across the room. The affair was becoming uncanny; and, as he tiptoed toward the window, old ghost-stories, read in lighter moments before cheerful fires with plenty of light in the room, flitted through his mind. He had the feeling—precisely as every chappie in those stories had had—that he was not alone.
Nor was he. In a basket behind an armchair, curled up, with his massive chin resting on the edge of the wickerwork, lay a fine bulldog.
“Urrf!” said the bulldog.
“Good God!” said Archie.
There was a lengthy pause, in which the bulldog looked earnestly at Archie and Archie looked earnestly at the bulldog.
Normally, Archie was a dog-lover. His hurry was never so great as to prevent him stopping, when in the street, and introducing himself to any dog he met. As a boy, his earliest ambition had been to become a veterinary surgeon: and, though the years had cheated him of his career, he knew all about dogs, their points, their manners, their customs, and their treatment in sickness and in health. In short, he loved dogs, and, had they met under happier conditions, he would undoubtedly have been on excellent terms with this one within the space of a minute. But, as things were, he abstained from fraternizing and continued to goggle dumbly.
And then his eye, wandering aside, collided with the following objects: a fluffy pink dressing-gown hung over the back of a chair, an entirely strange suitcase, and, on the bureau, a photograph in a silver frame of a stout gentleman in evening dress whom he had never seen before in his life.
Much has been written of the emotions of the wanderer who, returning to his childhood home, finds it altered out of all recognition, but poets have neglected the theme—far more poignant—of the man who goes up to his room in a hotel and finds it full of somebody else’s dressing-gowns and bulldogs.
Bulldogs! Archie’s heart jumped sideways and upward with a wiggling movement, turned two somersaults, and stopped beating. The hideous truth, working its way slowly through the concrete, had at last penetrated to his brain. He was not only in somebody else’s room, and a woman’s at that—he was in the room belonging to Miss Vera Silverton!
He could not understand it. He would have been prepared to stake the last cent he could borrow from his father-in-law on the fact that he had made no error in the number over the door. Yet, nevertheless, such was the case, and, below par though his faculties were at the moment, he was sufficiently alert to perceive that it behooved him to withdraw. He leaped to the door, and, as he did so, the handle began to turn.
The cloud which had settled on Archie’s mind lifted abruptly. For an instant, he was enabled to think about a hundred times more quickly than was his leisurely wont. Good fortune had brought him to within easy reach of the electric-light switch. He snapped it back, and was in darkness. Then, diving silently and swiftly to the floor, he wriggled under the bed. The thud of his head against what appeared to be some sort of joist or support, unless it had been placed there by the maker as a practical joke, on the chance of this kind of thing happening some day, coincided with the creak of the opening door. Then the light was switched on again, and the bulldog in the corner gave a welcoming woofle.
“And how is mamma’s precious angel?”
Rightly concluding that the remark had not been addressed to himself and that no social obligations demanded that he reply, Archie pressed his cheek against the boards and said nothing. The question was not repeated, and from the other side of the room came the sound of a patted dog.
“Did he think his muzzer had fallen down dead and was never coming up?”
The beautiful picture which these words conjured up filled Archie with that yearning for the might-have-been which is always so painful. He was finding his position physically as well as mentally distressing. He was cramped under the bed, and the boards were harder than anything he had ever encountered. Also, it appeared to be the practise of the housemaids at the Hotel Hermitage to use the space under the beds as a depository for all the dust which they swept off the carpet, and much of this was insinuating itself into his nose and mouth. The two things which Archie would have liked most to do at that moment were: first, to kill Miss Silverton—if possible painfully—and then to spend the remainder of his life sneezing.
After a prolonged period, he heard a drawer open, and noted the fact as promising. As the old married man, he presumed that it signified the putting-away of hairpins. About now the dashed woman would be looking at herself in the glass with her hair down. Then she would brush it. Then she would twiddle it up into thingummies. Say, ten minutes for this. And after that she would go to bed and turn out the light, and he would be able, after giving her a bit of time to go to sleep, to creep out and leg it. Allowing, at a conservative estimate, three-quarters of——
“Come out!” Archie stiffened. For an instant, a feeble hope came to him that this remark, like the others, might be addressed to the dog. “Come out from under that bed!” said a stern voice. “And mind how you come. I’ve got a gun.”
“Well, I mean to say, you know,” said Archie, in a propitiatory voice, emerging from his lair like a tortoise and smiling as winningly as a man can who has just bumped his head against the leg of a bed, “I suppose all this seems fairly rummy, but——”
“For the love of Mike!” said Miss Silverton. The point seemed to Archie well taken and the comment on the situation neatly expressed. “What are you doing in my room?”
“Well, if it comes to that, you know—shouldn’t have mentioned it if you hadn’t brought the subject up in the course of general chit-chat—what are you doing in mine?”
“Well, apparently there’s been a bloomer of some species somewhere, but this was the room I had last night,” said Archie.
“But the desk clerk said that he had asked you if it would be quite satisfactory to you giving it up to me, and you said, ‘Yes.’ I come here every summer, when I’m not working, and I always have this room.”
“By Jove! I remember now. The chappie did say something to me about the room, but I was thinking of something else, and it rather went over the top. So that’s what he was talking about, was it?”
Miss Silverton was frowning. A moving-picture director scanning her face would have perceived that she was registering disappointment.
“Nothing breaks right for me in this darned world,” she said regretfully. “When I caught sight of your leg sticking out from under the bed, I did think that everything was all lined up for a real fine ad at last. I could close my eyes and see the thing in the papers. On the front page, with photographs. ‘Plucky Actress Captures Burglar.’ Darn it!”
“Fearfully sorry, you know!”
“I just needed something like that. I’ve got a press-agent, and I will say for him that he eats well and sleeps well and has just enough intelligence to cash his monthly check without forgetting what he went into the bank for, but, outside of that, you can take it from me he’s not one of the world’s workers. He’s about as much solid use to a girl with aspirations as a pain in the lower ribs. It’s three weeks since he got me into print at all, and then the brightest thing he could think up was that my favorite breakfast-fruit was an apple. Well, I ask you!”
“Rotten!” said Archie sympathetically.
“I did think that, for once, my guardian angel had gone back to work and was doing something for me. ‘Stage Star and Midnight Marauder,’ ” murmured Miss Silverton wistfully. “ ‘Footlight Favorite Foils Felon.’ ”
“Bit thick!” agreed Archie sympathetically. “Well, you’ll probably be wanting to get to bed and all that sort of rot; so I may as well be popping—what? Cheery-o!”
A sudden gleam came into Miss Silverton’s compelling eyes.
“Wait! I’ve got an idea.” The wistful sadness had gone from her manner. She was bright and alert. “Sit down.”
“ ‘Sit down?’ ”
“Sure. Sit down and take the chill off the Chesterfield. I’ve thought of something.”
Archie sat down as directed. At his elbow, the bulldog eyed him gravely from the basket.
“Do they know you in this hotel?”
“Know me? Well, I’ve been here about a week.”
“I mean, do they know who you are? Do they know you’re a good citizen?”
“Well, if it comes to that, I suppose they don’t. But——”
“Fine!” said Miss Silverton appreciatively. “Then it’s all right. We can carry on!”
“ ‘Carry on?’ ”
“Why, sure! All I want is to get the thing into the papers. It doesn’t matter to me if it turns out later that there was a mistake and that you weren’t a burglar trying for my jewels, after all. It makes just as good a story either way. I can’t think why that never struck me before. Here have I been kicking because you weren’t a real burglar, when it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans whether you are or not. All I’ve got to do is to rush out and yell and rouse the hotel, and they come in and pinch you, and I give the story to the papers, and everything’s fine!”
Archie leaped from his chair.
“I say! What?”
“What’s on your mind?” inquired Miss Silverton considerately. “ Don’t you think it’s a nifty scheme?”
“ ‘Nifty!’ My dear old soul; it’s frightful!”
“Can’t see what’s wrong with it,” grumbled Miss Silverton. “After I’ve had some one get New York on the long-distance and give the story to the papers, you can explain, and they’ll let you out. Surely to goodness you don’t object, as a personal favor to me, to spending an hour or two in the coop! Why, probably they haven’t got a prison at all out in these parts, and you’ll simply be locked in a room. A child of ten could do it on his head,” said Miss Silverton. “A child of six,” she amended.
“But, dash it—I mean—what I mean to say—I’m married!”
“Yes?” said Miss Silverton, with the politeness of faint interest. “I’ve been married myself. I wouldn’t say it’s altogether a bad thing, mind you, for those that like it, but a little of it goes a long way. My first husband,” she proceeded reminiscently, “was a traveling man. I gave him a two weeks’ tryout, and then I told him to make a noise like an egg and beat it. My second husband—now, he wasn’t a gentleman in any sense of the word. I remember once——”
“You don’t grasp the point—the jolly old point! You fail to grasp it. If this thing comes out, my wife will be most frightfully sick.”
Miss Silverton regarded him with pained surprise.
“Do you mean to say you would let a little thing like that stand in the way of my getting on the front page of all the papers—with photographs? Where’s your chivalry?”
“Never mind my dashed chivalry!”
“Besides, what does it matter if she does get a little sore? She’ll soon get over it. You can put that right. Buy her a box of candy. Not that I’m strong for candy myself. What I always say is: It may taste good, but look what it does to your hips! I give you my honest word that, when I gave up eating candy, I lost eleven ounces the first week. My second husband—no; I’m a liar; it was my third—my third husband said— Say, what’s the big idea? Where are you going?”
“Out,” said Archie firmly. “Bally out.”
A dangerous light flickered in Miss Silverton’s eyes.
“That’ll be all of that!” she said, raising the pistol. “You stay right where you are or I’ll fire!”
“I mean it!”
“My dear old soul,” said Archie, “in the recent unpleasantness in France, I had chappies popping off things like that at me all day and every day for close on five years, and here I am—what? I mean to say, if I’ve got to choose between staying here and being pinched in your room by the local constabulary and having the dashed thing get into the papers and all sorts of trouble happening and my wife getting the wind up and—I say, if I’ve got to choose——”
“Suck a lozenge and start again,” said Miss Silverton.
“Well, what I mean to say is: I’d much rather take a chance on getting a bullet in the old bean than that. So loose it off, and the best o’ luck!”
Miss Silverton lowered the pistol, sank into a chair, and burst into tears.
“I think you’re the meanest man I ever met!” she sobbed. “You know perfectly well the bang would send me into a fit.”
“In that case,” said Archie, relieved, “cheery-o, good luck, pip-pip, toodle-oo, and good-by-ee. I’ll be shifting.”
“Yes, you will!” cried Miss Silverton energetically, recovering with amazing swiftness from her collapse. “Yes, you will, I by no means suppose! You think, just because I’m no Annie Oakley with a gun, I’m helpless. You wait! Percy!”
“My name is not Percy.”
“I never said it was. Percy! Percy, come to muzzer!”
There was a creaking rustle from behind the armchair. A heavy body flopped on the carpet. Out into the room, heaving himself along as though sleep had stiffened his joints, and breathing stertorously through his tilted nose, moved the fine bulldog. Seen in the open, he looked even more formidable than he had done in his basket.
“Guard him, Percy! Good dog, guard him! Oh, heavens! What’s the matter with him?”
And, with these words, the emotional woman, uttering a wail of anguish, flung herself on the floor beside the animal.
Percy was, indeed, in manifestly bad shape. He seemed quite unable to drag his limbs across the room. There was a curious arch in his back, and, as his mistress touched him, he cried out plaintively.
“Percy! Oh, what is the matter with him? His nose is burning!”
Now was the time, with both sections of the enemy’s forces occupied, for Archie to have departed softly from the room. But never had he been able to ignore the spectacle of a dog in trouble.
“He does look bad—what?”
“He’s dying! Oh, he’s dying! Is it distemper? He’s never had distemper.”
Archie regarded the sufferer with the grave eye of the expert. He shook his head.
“It’s not that,” he said. “Dogs with distemper make a sort of snifting noise.”
“But he is making a snifting noise!”
“No; he’s making a snuffling noise. Great difference between snuffling and snifting. Not the same thing at all. I mean to say, when they snift they snift, and when they snuffle, they—as it were—snuffle. That’s how you can tell. If you ask me—” He passed his hand over the dog’s back. Percy uttered another cry. “I know what’s the matter with him.”
“A brute of a man kicked him at rehearsal yesterday. Do you think he’s injured internally?”
“It’s rheumatism,” said Archie. “That’s all that’s the trouble.”
“Are you sure?”
“But what can I do?”
“Give him a hot bath, and mind and dry him well. He’ll have a good sleep then, and won’t have any pain. Then, first thing to-morrow, you want to give him salicylate of soda.”
“I’ll never remember that.”
“I’ll write it down for you. You ought to give him from ten to twenty grains three times a day in an ounce of water. And rub him with any good embrocation.”
“And he won’t die?”
“ ‘Die!’ He’ll live to be as old as you are. I mean to say——”
“I could kiss you!” said Miss Silverton emotionally. Archie backed hastily.
“No, no; absolutely not! Nothing like that required—really!”
“You’re a darling!”
“Yes. I mean no. No, no—really!”
“I don’t know what to say. What can I say?”
“Good-night,” suggested Archie.
“I wish there was something I could do. If you hadn’t been here, I should have gone off my head.”
A great idea flashed across Archie’s brain.
“Do you really want to do something?”
“Then I do wish, like a dear, sweet soul, you would pop straight back to New York to-morrow and go on with those rehearsals.”
Miss Silverton shook her head.
“I can’t do that.”
“Oh, right-o! But it isn’t much to ask—what?”
“Not much to ask! I’ll never forgive that man for kicking Percy.”
“Now, listen, dear old soul: You’ve got the story all wrong. I’m not blaming you, but you’ve got it all wrong. As a matter of fact, jolly old Benham told me himself that he has the greatest esteem and respect for Percy, and wouldn’t have kicked him for the world. And, you know, it was more a sort of push than a kick. You might almost call it a light shove. The fact is, it was beastly dark in the theater, and he was legging it sideways for some reason or other, no doubt with the best motives, and, unfortunately, he happened to stub his toe on the poor old bean—absolutely inadvertent and all that sort of thing.”
“Then why didn’t he say so?”
“As far as I could make out, you didn’t give him a chance.”
Miss Silverton wavered.
“I always hate going back after I’ve walked out on a show,” she said. “It seems so weak.”
“Not a bit of it! They’ll give you three hearty cheers and think you a topper. Besides, you’ve got to go to New York, in any case, to take Percy to a vet, you know—what?”
“Of course. How right you always are!” Miss Silverton hesitated again. “Would you really be glad if I went back to the show?”
“I’d go singing about the hotel. Great pal of mine, Benham! A thoroughly cheery old bean, and very cut up about the whole affair. Besides, think of all the coves thrown out of work—the thingumbobs and the poor what-d’-you-call-ems!”
“You’ll do it?”
“I say, you are absolutely one of the best. Absolutely like mother made. That’s fine! Well, I think I’ll be saying good-night.”
“Good-night. And thank you ever so much.”
“Oh, no, rather not!”
Archie moved to the door.
“Oh, by the way——”
“If I were you, I think I should catch the very first train you can get to New York. You see—er—you ought to take Percy to the vet as soon as ever you can.”
“You really do think of everything,” said Miss Silverton.
“Yes,” said Archie meditatively.
The next escapade of Archie in America will appear in December Cosmopolitan.
“cheery-o, good luck, pip-pip, toodle-oo, and good-by-ee”: A variant on the popular World War One soldier’s song “Goodbye-ee”; lyrics and audio recording at this link.