“THE MARTYRS.”
Some Letters the “Evening News” Has NOT Received.
To the Editor of the “Evening News.”
As many of your readers may be suffragettes, allow me to indicate what I consider the best form of training for an encounter with the police. No suffragette can hope to grapple successfully with a fifteen-stone constable unless she has nourished her strength on a carefully-chosen diet. A three weeks’ course of lentils and beans, varied by an occasional nut-butter orgie will render the slimmest suffragette capable of making the entire force wish that they had never been born.
—Yours faithfully,
Eustace H. M.—les.
In connection with this deplorable affair, may I point out that the tomb of the illustrious lexicographer, John James Hilger, is in a state of lamentable ruin. You may say that this has no connection with the suffragette question. In this you may possibly be right, but the habit of years is not to be broken in a moment. I always have written about tombs, and I suppose I always shall.—Yours,
Algernon –shton.
P.S.—This brings my total up to 1,036,547 letters and one picture postcard for year beginning January, 1906.
Telegram: Address of Miss Pankhurst with great eagerness desire. To put her on to Prince Hohenlohe ardently wish. She him what was what would teach. Hoch!
Kaiser Wilhelm.
I gues we kud do with a few of yor sufragets over this side. They lead the most Strenuous Life of enny that I ever hurd of.—Yours phonetically,
T RUZVELT.
Please find enclosed long article showing that the violence of the suffragettes is really, when philosophically examined, due to an excessive mildness of disposition.—Yours paradoxically, G. K. Ch—sterton.
To mollify the suffragettes it is essential that soft soap should be used. I can supply this at moderate rates. I shall give you fifteen ounces when you pay for a pound, but that is all my fun.—Yours faithfully,
W. H. L—ver, M.P.
I shall be glad to teach suffragettes Ju-Jitsu at the usual rates. After a month at my school they will be able to use the police as dumb-bells.—Yours,
Tarro Mtaki.
If the suffragettes were Sandow girls they would be able to throw a policeman across a lobby as easily as I lift a property iron bar.—Yours,
Carrie M — —re.
“How does the suffragette the policeman knock so?
She has very sensibly trained on—Xo.”
—(Advt.)
Please contradict the rumour that we intend to play a match during November with a team of suffragettes. We wish to preserve our unbeaten certificate, so have declined their challenge. Yours Springbuckishly,
P. R — —s (captain).
It seems to me that too much notice has been taken in the Press of Miss Billington. Miss Pankhurst is the real star of the company, and I strongly advise her to throw up her part. —Yours, Edna M—y.
I have more than a suspicion that the suffragette disturbances are the work of the “Times” Book Club. They are always up to something. —Yours,
W. P——lten.
(Sec. Publishers’ Association.)
It is plain to me that these disorderly proceedings are directly inspired by the Publishers’ Association. They are always up to something.—Yours,
L.C. M—b—rly B—ll.
(Manager “Times” Book Club.)
If the authorities do not give me a complete suit of chain armour, I resign from the force tomorrow.—Yours,
X 008.
I consider that the suffragettes should have been taken to Marlborough-street, not to Westminster. I have not a word to say against Mr. Horace Smith as an administrator of the law, but there is manifestly only one magistrate in London capable of handling such a situation as this as it should be handled. —Yours disappointedly,
....