[Editor's note : This is a collection of odds and ends that PGW wrote for Punch between 1903 and 1913. Most of these are small, one paragraph items, and rather than create a menu entry for each of them, they've been gathered together on this page.]
February 25, 1903]
De Senectute.
M. Legouvé, of the French Academy has been telling Parisian reporters how to grow old. Many of them are following his instructions, and are confident of ultimate, if gradual, success.
March 4, 1903]
A Long-felt Want. — Sir Howard Vincent will be greatly obliged if the author of The Unspeakable Scot will kindly publish at his earliest convenience another of his comprehensive criticisms, this time under the tide of The Abominable Alien, or, say, The Perfectly Pestilential Pole.
March 11, 1903]
“By YOUR LEAF, Gentlemen.”— Many eminent persons are considered as “pillars of the State.” Henceforth Lord ROSEBERY will be remembered as, on his own showing, a “ Cater-pillar of the State.”
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“Not Taking any.”—After the recent trial, it is reported that to any invitation to a second helping or another glass of wine, Mr. George Edwardes (of the Daiety Galy’s and other theatres) invariably replies, “No Moore, thank you.”
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Wind is the Rushes.—”One excellent result of the multiplication of motor cars,” says Motoring Illustrated, “will be to put a perpetual ban on beards. A beard liable to blow up and obstruct the sight is too great a hazard for the chauffeur.” Motorists prefer close shaves, and statistics show that any blowing-up that may be considered necessary can be done by the car itself.
April 15, 1903]
The Parting Guest.—It was the humorous fancy of a New Brunswick housebreaker to relieve the monotony of prison life by escaping, putting in a brisk spell of burgling at various houses in the neighbourhood, and returning, weighed down with plunder, to his cell once more, where he would hide the night’s earnings under the floor. Eventually, however, he foolishly requested the warder one evening not to sit up for him, as he might be late, and this, arousing the official’s suspicions, led to his detection. When it was pointed out to him by the Governor that he was giving the prison a bad name, and that, loth as he was to interfere with the pleasure of a guest, this could not go on, he agreed to forego his rambles. The Governor, charmed by his ready acquiescence, courteously offered to provide him with a latchkey, and the episode terminated.
April 29, 1903]
The M. P. Militant.—“I was obliged,” observed a constable, recently giving evidence against a violent prisoner, “to obtain the assistance of two M.P.’s before I could secure him.” Enquiry on the part of the startled magistrate elicited the explanation that M.P.’s are Military Police.
“Oh,” said the magistrate, leaning back with an air of relief, “I thought you meant Members of Parliament.” It is a pleasant idea. The spectacle, for example, of Mr. Balfour, his philosophic doubt momentarily sunk, attaching himself with a prehensile grasp to the collar of a straggling desperado, while Mr. Arnold White, with a cry of “Efficiency!” springs to his assistance, would be both grateful and comforting to the jaded sightseer. There would be no need of a Fourth Party to enliven that situation.
October 19, 1904]
EVERY PRODIGY HIS OWN PUBLISHER.
[Florizel von Reuter, the boy musician, publishes a periodical entitled “Reuter’s Express.” It deals mainly with his career and exploits.]
Some features of the November Magazines:—
Reuters Express. “Master Workers.”
1. Mr. Laffan.
“Notes.” By the Editor.
“ Instruments I have never played.”
1. The Jews Harp.
“Too old at eight.” By the Editor.
The Trundley Times. (Odder and Stout’un.)
“Mr. Eustace H. Miles as Feeder and Thinker.”
“Books that have influenced me.” By the Editor.
1. Lt.-Col. Newnham-Davis’ “Dinners and Diners.”
2. Smith’s “What to do with the cold mutton.”
3. H. G. Wells’ “Food of the Gods.”
“Publishers I have met and appreciated.”
1. Tuck. By the Editor.
“Master Workers.” 1. Dr. Russell.
Veczey’s Penn’orth.
“Fifteen handy ways of pronouncing my name.” By the Editor.
“Master Vocalists.” 2. The Prince of Piedmont.
Czarevitch’s Magazine.
“Fashion Notes : Bibs.”
“Court Gossip.” By the Editor.
Winston’s Wobbler.
“Parties I have belonged to.” By the Editor.
July 12, 1905]
THE MILK OF KINDNESS SUPPLY.
At Bath a burglar, finding the master of a house he had entered ill in bed, shook hands with him, and offered his condolences. It is to be hoped, said the Evening News, that this nice feeling will spread.
It has spread.
“Broke a rib, did it?” said the Australian express-trundler sympathetically, calling at the hospital on “Cotter’s Saturday Night” out. “Two ribs? Bless my soul! But we must look on the bright side. If you had stayed in, you might have broken a record.”
February 12, 1913]
CHARIVARIA.
In connection with Scotland’s refusal to meet France at Rugby football, as the result of the violence of the French crowd, fair-minded people are pointing out that it should be remembered that Scotland has for years made a practice of allowing the bag-pipes to be played during international matches at Inverleith.
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The young man who is alleged to have threatened to shoot a popular actress, unless he were paid £1,000, is also stated to have demanded £400 on similar conditions from the King. Nothing but genuine loyalty could have caused this sensational reduction in terms.
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Speaking at Regent’s Park Chapel on Sunday, the Rev. F. B. Meyer alluded to the possibility of his being described as a kill-joy. How he gets these bizarre notions we cannot understand.
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A marked copy of the February number of The Birmingham Diocesan Magazine, containing Dr. Russell Wakefield’s strong remarks on Lenten fasting, I has been sent to the Cryptoprocta Ferox at the Zoo. This peckish animal eats one hundred and ninety-two pounds of food daily, in addition to most of the woodwork and all the paint of his cage; and it is hoped that during Lent he may be induced at least to swear off paint.
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Three young gentlemen of the Bowery have got themselves into trouble in New York by shooting a man they were not hired to shoot. This kind of gratuitous outrage is always sternly repressed by the New York police.
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According to a men’s fashion paper, Spring socks will be black and Spring ties a quiet blue. A strike of nuts is expected at any moment.
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Little Hints for Everyday Life:— No. 1. Do not whistle “Everybody’s Doing It” as you pass the Reform Club. The Committee dislike it.
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Not content with their recent postponements, the Government has decided to shelve the Bee Disease Bill until next session. The sticky substance recently found in a pillar-box “not a hundred miles from” Downing Street is said to have been honey.
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The Mr. George to whom The Daily Telegraph alludes as a “force to be reckoned with in fiction” is not the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
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Tracking him by his teeth-marks in the butter, which he had apparently eaten neat in large mouthfuls, the French police captured a burglar the morning after he had broken into a house. On being arrested, he denied the charge and said: “I don’t like butter.” At the moment we should imagine this to be the truth.
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The management of the Garrick Theatre insist on money down from those who wish to see Trust the People.
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It is not stated whether the thumb which Mr. Lloyd George has injured is the one under which he has been keeping his colleagues of the Cabinet.
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Mr. Filson Young’s remark that “one is inclined to think of the Courts of Justice as a species of gold mine for those professionally engaged in their precincts” seems curiously apposite. Only last week a pickpocket relieved a spectator at Bow Street of his watch and purse.
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Real rain is to be a feature of a forthcoming play. Nervous playgoers are hoping that the Reinhardt craze will not cause it to enter from the auditorium.
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One orange a week is to be given to each child in the Lambeth Guardians’ schools at Norwood as a preventive against influenza. All we can say is that, if the influenza germ is to be intimidated by one orange a week, it has sadly lost its pluck since we last met it.
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