The attribution of this item to Wodehouse is questionable; see end note.

An Election Episode.

Vanity Fair (UK), February 1, 1906

(With apologies to A.D.)

Scene:—Any smoking-room.

Jones:—If I were you, who always vowed Protection
     Meant dearer food—an error through and through,
    I should not wish for Arthur’s resurrection,
     If I were you!

Brown:—If I were you, who think that England’s glories
     Were won by men of sane and sober view,
    I should, at least, have voted for the Tories,
     If I were you!

Jones:—If I were you, who favour the suggestion
     C.-B. will take from Redmond, J., his cue,
    I should, at any rate, have thought about the question,
     If I were you!

Brown:—If I were you, when scarce a workman knows if
     There will be left a job for him to do,
    I should not think it smart to sneer at Joseph,
     If I were you!

Jones:—If I were you, I would not serve the minions,
     Cringing and fawning on the Rand-lord crew;
Brown:—No, I should, doubtless, hold no sane opinions,
     If I were you!

Jones:—Really, that answer takes a deal of beating;
     Don’t get so hot, sir, nor so red of hue,
    I should not think such language worth repeating,
     If I were you!

Brown:—One doesn’t like one’s views to be so scouted,—
Jones:—That was because you chose to misconstrue,—
Brown:—If I admit my Party has been routed?—
Jones:—I shall confess my lot aren’t blameless, too.
Brown:—Let’s have a drink! I’d say no more about it,
     If I were you!



Printed unsigned in Vanity Fair; NOT entered by Wodehouse in Money Received for Literary Work. McIlvaine’s bibliography includes it, but on what evidence is not certain. A colleague has been tasked with examining the original magazine issue for further clues; check back here for more evidence as it arrives.