Madame Eulalie’s Rare PlumsPearson’s Magazine (UK), March 1906
“In Germany,” said the man of ideas, coming into the smoking-room, “I see that they have original ideas on the subject of advertising. According to the usually well-informed Daily Lyre, all ‘bombastic’ advertising is punished with a fine. The advertiser is expected to describe his wares in restrained, modest language. In case this idea should be introduced into England, I have drawn up a few specimen advertisements which, in my opinion, combine attractiveness with a shrinking modesty at which no censor could cavil.”
And, in spite of our protests, he began to read us his first effort, descriptive of a patent medicine.
“It runs like this,” he said:—
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TIMSON’S TONIC FOR DISTRACTED HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CURE. WE HATE TO SEEM TO BOAST, but MANY WHO HAVE TRIED IT ARE STILL ALIVE. Take a Dose or Two in your Spare Time. IT’S NOT BAD STUFF. Read what an outside stockbroker says:— “Sir,—After three months’ steady absorption of your Tonic I was no worse.” We do not wish to thrust ourselves forward in any way. If you prefer other medicines, by all means take them. Only we just thought we’d mention—casually, as it were—that Timson’s is PRETTY GOOD. In 2/6 and 4/11¾ bottles. (Note.—The 2/6 bottle contains twice the amount of the 4/11¾ bottle.) |
“How’s that?” inquired the man of ideas. “Not bad, I think. Now listen to this one of a newspaper:—
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READ THE ‘WEEKLY WONDER’ (If You Feel Inclined). The Serials are rather Feeble, BUT What can you Expect for THREEPENCE. the short stories are better, but that, ISN’T SAYING MUCH. Anyhow, Pluck up Courage and BUY A COPY. At the same time, don’t blame us if you regret it. “But,” we seem to hear you say, “this is all very well. What I want to know is whether the ink will come off on my fingers.” Yes, the ink will COME OFF on your fingers. Read the Weekly Wonder and look like King Menelik. |
“Attractive, I fancy,” said he, “without being bombastic. Now, one about a new novel. Ready?—
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MR. LUCIEN LOGROLLER’S LATEST THE DYSPEPSIA OF THE SOUL. THE DYSPEPSIA OF THE SOUL. THE DYSPEPSIA OF THE SOUL. Don’t buy it if you don’t want to, but just listen to a few of the criticisms. THE DYSPEPSIA OF THE SOUL. “Rather . . . rubbish.”—Spectator. “We advise all insomniacs to read Mr. Logroller’s soporific pages.”—Outlook. “Rot.”—Pelican. THE DYSPEPSIA OF THE SOUL. ALREADY IN ITS FIRST EDITION. |
“What do you think of that?” asked the man of ideas.
We told him.