Vanity Fair, October 1915


With Apologies to F. P. A.



American war-correspondents have overrun this continent until they have become as much of a menace as they ever were in their native clime, where they used to be sob-story writers and write pieces for the papers about "Things I See In This Great City That Make Me Weep" and things like that, only now they have all come over here and are writing about our war. We have had a lot of complaints at the Gazette office from generals about how they can’t fire off a 42-centimetre gun without bringing down a whole lot of American special writers who are hiding in trees and making notes on the horrors of the battle-field. And no General likes to do that, because if he kills American citizens his country gets a firm and unwavering Note from President Wilson by every mail, and what a nuisance it is answering letters when you are busy at something else. Stay at home, you special writers, say we. This means you!


Bill Irwin has left for his home in U. S. A.  Sorry to see you go, Bill. Come again is our attitude.

Looks like there was going to be another strike in Wales. Lloyd George of here has gone to see can’t something be done about it?

“Winnie” Churchill, our genial and popular statesman, is taking a m.n. rest, he having been until recently working hard in the shipping business. Win. is a good boy, and that he may some day be back at the old stand is the w. of a.

All Americans want souvenirs. Sell your old cartridge cases and spiked helmets. Goldstein pays highest prices.—Adv.

The Fall styles for women are military, which confuses our soldier boys so that they often salute their wives and kiss their superior officers.

Alf. Northcliffe has been saying a lot of things in his w.k. Daily Mail and Times which ye cor heartily endorses, he being of the opinion that it is time someone did something about all sorts of things.

Babies are being christened Mackensen von Hindenburg Schmidt and Mazurian Lakes Muller all the time now.

Ye cor lost his bread-ticket last wk, and had to live on potatoes.

Hank von Tirpitz says he is thinking up some more ideas like what he had when he invented that submarine blockade. Oh you Hank!

Pretty poor results is being got by old Doc Zeppelin these days, and if he does not show some pep pretty soon he will have his Iron Cross taken away from him, is many’s opinion. What did he say his balloons could destroy London for when they keep on missing it when they drop bombs and only hitting ploughed fields somewhere up Scotland way thinking they are destroying Piccadilly, say unkind critics.

One of the Prussian landsturm told ye cor that the Kaiser nearly swallowed the left half of his mustache last wk while singing the Hymn of Hate at a Heidelberg class-reunion, he having come back from both fronts at the same time to be present. It gets in his way when he takes a deep breath, and rumor hath it that he was seen standing outside a barber’s shop in the Wilhelmstrasse Monday.

Old man Bethmann-Holweg was to the Reichstag Friday, saying how it was England that had started the fuss and how Germany had been savagely attacked by Belgium so what were they to do except defend themselves? Beth. speaks his pieces quits nicely these days, nice and loud, and says something different every time from what he said last time, It’s hard to keep tab on Beth. right along, he changes his mind such a lot.

The fleet is summering in the Kiel Canal, and a pleasant time is being had by all.

Colonies has been getting pretty scarce lately.

Earl Kitchener of London, Eng. was a pleasant caller in our trenches recently.

Willie Hohenzollern jr is still visiting in the Argonne. You must like us Willie, to stay so long. Thanks, say we.

Several local boys are vacationing in the Dardanelles, the w.k. Turkish spot.

News is pretty scarce except for hand-grenades and such.

It begins to look like Jack Joffree, the esteemed general, didn’t mean to move this yr after all. Well, take your time, Jack. Nobody’s hurrying you. You’ll move when you feel like it. We know you, Jack.

This has been a great season for tourists, many visitors from Germany and Austria having Julyed and Augusted in our midst. General von Hindenburg was a pleasant Warsawer recently and is moving on into the interior. What’s your hurry, Hind?

People in these parts are saying how didn’t the Czar say last year that the Russians would get to Berlin, and well, haven’t a million or so got there already?

Smoke Mazurian Lake Mixture—Adv.